STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS WRITING
I Need to Find My Happiness in the Present Tense, Even While Struggling
This moment is the only place where I can safely feel it right now
The very thought of making such a list right now has created a quiet little waterfall of tears that even my weekly testosterone shots can’t seem to stop. I guess it’s not true that trans men don’t cry, as I’ve proved time and again. I’m afraid to even dig into memories of my happiest moments right now. My entire past feels like a minefield, and my happiest memories are buried in there somewhere.
My dreams already did enough of that work for me last night, as they do every night. The one I just woke up from allowed me yet another lovely hug from someone I’m no longer allowed to see, before my subconscious mind decided I was ready to process some of what happened. In my nightmare, I quickly became the queer, trans villain, the one who ruined someone special’s birthday just by showing up as myself and demanding that I be accepted without conditions at the party.
I woke up reassured that I couldn’t do such a thing. I’m on the other side of the country from them all, sitting on the balcony of the 13th address we’ve inhabited over the last month and a half. I think this is the 13th. I can remember 13 different places we’ve slept, but it’s possible there’ve been more. Anyway, I hope this one sticks for a while because the sunrise I’m watching as I type is really beautiful.
Blue mountains have gradually emerged from the light blue and pink mist in the distance. Above them is a layer of white, forming the bottom half of a natural trans flag. I tried to take a picture to show you, but sunrises never seem to photograph quite the way they’re seen.
I’m sipping tea from my favorite green cup. It’s got a representation of a tree on it that I’m pretty sure would have been…