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LGBTQ+ Perspectives
I Give My Middle-Aged Trans Body Permission to Slow Down and Rest
It’s okay to take time to recharge on my terms
I’m trying to dance every morning, even if only for thirty minutes. It feels especially important for my Testosterone-fueled body to get exercise. It’s much harder to access safe healthcare as a trans person, even before any new laws come to limit that access in the coming years, so I have to work hard to stay as healthy as possible.
I didn’t want to dance this morning. I didn’t even want to wake up. I was feeling so tired. I’ve been struggling with a combination of insomnia, stress, and some resulting burnout lately. In this frame of mind, I gave myself permission to dance very slowly, only doing what felt good. I practiced only the dance moves I enjoy most. I gave myself permission to never push into discomfort.
The result was the best dance workout I’ve had all week. It was the longest I’d managed to dance this week. It was also the most I’ve actually managed to be present and listen to my playlist of all the dopamine-soaked music that I’m holding onto for dear life right now.
It turns out that I really had to feel a fast song in my bones to hit those occasional accents at a slow pace. I had to listen carefully to find the slow melody in the background that I never paid attention to. I was also surprised to notice that moving slowly requires so much strength. In some ways, it required more strength for me today than all of those days where I danced as fast as I could in pursuit of a workout for my heart. I’m so grateful to dance teachers inside and outside of the trans community who are teaching me the power of slowing down and being intentional with my movements.
Dancing slowly, I never felt uncomfortable, but now my muscles are warm, and I feel more energetic. I feel ready to reach out to the world. I want to write to you. After practicing looking in the mirror, searching for the little details of my body that I like, I find myself wanting to be seen. I’m also finding myself caring less and less what anyone else thinks of my body. That feels good.
On Tuesday, I celebrate making it to age 40 after another very difficult but rewarding year coming…
